Shit Girls Do & Why

I’ve been stranded at the airport for an hour now. My flight, which was supposed to leave yesterday, was rescheduled for today at 6:15 pm and it is now 6:45 pm. I’ve just been informed that because of the bad weather conditions in Chicago, my flight has been delayed further, first to 8:10, and now to 8:45 pm. So what better way to pass time besides listen to some Mariah Carey and blog? Clearly if you have failed to realize this, I have no life. I was visiting my sister this weekend and we ended up sitting and discussing why the fuck girls do the shit they do. What is the science behind our thinking? I’m no expert…but I have a vagina, so I’m as close as it gets.

Why we need to go to the bathroom in groups?

What if I fall into the toilet? What if there is no toilet paper? Maybe I just don’t like to pee alone? Maybe I just like my friend’s soothing voice reminding me I am not alone and that a crazy devil is not going to grab me from inside the toilet and murder me? Too graphic? Maybe. But most likely, it’s because we need to dish some juicy gossip. Speaking of which —

Why we need to gossip or bitch about people?

I just need to know someone out there is having a bad time and I can make fun of them so I can feel better about my life. Obviously. I mean if I don’t judge other people’s bad decisions then whose bad decisions will I judge, mine? Ha ha. Good joke. But seriously, us girls get some internal satisfaction from knowing shit about other people and talking shit about people we’re jealous of or simply don’t like, such as our old roommates, our ex-boyfriend’s new girlfriend, or our crush’s “close friend” who happens to be a girl. It’s fun.

What is the truth behind “k,” “I’m fine,” and “do whatever you want.”

“K” – you’ve pissed me off, please get the fuck away from my face before I think of all the ways I can put dents in yours. Everything is not “k” with us.

“I’m fine” – I’m not fine, but I want you to keep asking me because I’m an attention whore and I want you to make me feel better without me asking you to do so. But when you do ask what’s wrong, I’ll just tell you to not worry about it or that I don’t want to tell you, which will leave you confused, which obviously was my plan all along. Mwahaha.

“Do whatever you want” – No. Do what I want you to do. I know you know what I want you to do, then why the fuck are you asking me if it’s okay? My pissed off look, me rolling my eyes, my bitchy tone didn’t inform you what I really meant? Too bad.

Why we go on diets that rarely last more than two days?

We start diets because we genuinely want to look better, tone up, lose weight whatever. So why don’t they last? Because burgers, fries, coke taste SO good. Even the lettuce in a McDonald’s burger tastes better than the lettuce in my salad. It just does, don’t ask.

Why we feel the need to compare ourselves to other girls?

Boys, boys, boys, this is a silly little trap. If I ask you if someone’s tits are better than mine, you don’t answer that question honestly unless you want be left high and dry. If I ask you if you think my best friend is more attractive than me, don’t be stupid, say no. I need to compare myself to other girls because I need you to validate me. I’ll bitch and whine and call you a liar, but you need to keep saying it till my ego boosts a little. It’s a purely selfish thing and I am well aware of this.

Why we are fake friendly to people we don’t like?

I’d rather bitch about someone behind their back than be a straight up asshole to them to their face. Unfortunately, my sensitive side doesn’t allow me to make someone cry without feeling at least a little guilty. Damn conscience.

Why do we pretend to be drunk after one beer?

Sometimes, people get caught up in the moment and get drunk off the atmosphere. But some bitches literally get sloppy “drunk” with a beer. How in the fuck? Bitch, I know you’re not that much of a lightweight that a can of piss water aka bud light can get you sloppy drunk. So please, for fuck’s sake, stop screaming, stop hanging all over guys like a slut, stop dancing on top of tables, you crazy ass attention seeking whore.

Why we need to be Facebook official?

If I don’t tell Facebook I’m in a relationship, it means I’m not in a relationship. I have to tell everyone that I’m dating you so they don’t think I’m some pathetic loser that’s still single. Yes, my best friends know, but those people I never liked from high school need to know, the guy I used to have a crush on needs to know, the guy that doesn’t even know I used to religiously Facebook stalk him needs to know. If you don’t want to be Facebook official, we can just end this relationship now, k thx.

Why we need to be on Facebook and Instagram constantly?

It’s a great place for me to keep in touch with all the people I know from high school or family. Bullshit. I want to post pictures and I want to get likes on them because I need people to validate that I’m pretty or funny or witty or “cool.” If no one knows about every single thing I did that day, then they won’t know how cool I am. FYI, I totes exude cool.

Why we put our drama on Facebook?

It’s our passive aggressive way of confronting or outing someone publicly. No, I won’t tag you in my status or give your name away, but when you look at my status, your dumb ass will know it’s about you. That’s all the satisfaction I need. Is that a little crazy? Yeah, probably, but I never did claim to be sane.

Why we need to overanalyze every situation?

Us as girls need to think about every single little gesture, every word and find the “true” meaning behind it, like we’re English teachers trying to dissect a piece of writing. If he said he likes you, it probably fucking means he like you, fuckface. There is no other meaning behind it, so quit looking. No, that smiley face doesn’t mean he likes you and the lack of smiley face doesn’t mean he’s mad. WHEN DID WE START DEPENDING ON A FUCKING SMILEY TO READ EMOTIONS AND FEELINGS? WHY?

Hopefully this helps answer why girls are kind of crazy or what we’re thinking. There’s a ton more shit girls do that doesn’t make sense to most guys (and even girls) and if you guys can think of any, comment below and maybe I’ll do a part two of this and answer your questions!