CTA: Trials and Tribulations

 

It’s summer, Chicago is as beautiful as ever because we can finally see things without being blinded by the pretty (ugly), white (shit colored) snow. What better way to cheer up about the summer and ever changing weather patterns of Chicago than to make a list of things that annoy me about the CTA? There isn’t a better way, so don’t even bother. I’ve been holding back on this for a long time because I didn’t really know how to express myself without screaming in frustration; And typing “asfhdsghldgkl!!!!!” wouldn’t do any of us any good. Here goes:

1. When people are getting off the train and that one dude gets his junk right up in your face because he can’t bare to get off the train for 3 seconds to let people out.

2. The guy that says “there is more room in the middle, please move in.” No asshole, there isn’t any room. We are all packed in like sardines already and I am not appreciating this bitch’s Prada bag digging into my side right now. The nice CTA lady just said there’s a follower train, so sit your ass back down on that lovely (piss stained) platform and wait for it.

3. Hey lady, I know, I get it, that call, like any other call you receive, is completely crucial to your well-being. But would you mind lowering your voice talking about Sarah’s ex boyfriend that you totally slept with that one night? No one cares, just shut the fuck up. How can you possibly be so annoying at 7 am? 

4. You love music? OMG me too! But for fuck’s sake, please stop singing out loud on the train.*Cue Simon Cowell Voice* – “You actually sing like a train going off the rails. You sort of start off in tune and then it goes completely off. And very, very fast.”

5. Dear pregnant lady or old person, I love having a seat on the CTA about as much as I love Netflix, but I’ve decided to be nice today and generously offer up my seat to you. DO NOT ruin this perfect moment by refusing my attempt at actually being nice to a human. I was just looking out for your unborn child and hips that are on the verge of breaking. Just take my seat before I regret my decision and decide to fight you for it.

6. It explicitly states everywhere on the CTA that you shouldn’t eat on the train. So please get your Chinese food out of here now *stomach grumbles* seriously, now because I still have 40 minutes before I get home and another 20-30 minutes to cook and finally sit down with my dinner. Don’t make this harder than it needs to be. 

7. The most annoying of all are the people who didn’t learn how to fucking sit on the CTA. This isn’t the brown line, there isn’t a single seat, so please get your legs and ass off the seat next to you. And don’t even get me started on the assholes that put their bags on the seat next to them, not allowing anyone to sit there. Your bag doesn’t need a seat, douchecanoe.

8. People who stand, I repeat S.T. A. N. D., in front of an empty fucking seat. Sit your ass down or at least move the fuck out of the way so someone else can take it. It’s like your douchey ex boyfriend who broke up with you, but occasionally texts you to tell you he misses you; “I don’t want you, but I won’t let anyone else have you either.”

9. I know it’s hard to believe but there are times when the CTA is actually kind of empty and multiple, spaced out seats are available. It does happen from time to time, I promise. And there you are, jealously laughing at someone’s Facebook, enjoying having an empty seat next to you, and someone with personal space issues decides that sitting next to you is better than the whole fucking empty row of seats in the new CTA red line trains. Fuck that person. 

10. Although this one doesn’t take place on the physical train, it’s still part of the most fucking stupid thing that people do that makes me want to push them down a flight of stairs. Listen bitch, I’m running late because I challenged myself to finish a season of Dexter before sleeping so I’m not in the mood for your shit. I just want to get on my train on time and put in my headphones and drown everyone out (while making snarky “things I hate about the CTA” lists). So please do not fucking walk up the escalator or stairs at a leisurely fucking pace because I swear if I miss my train I will beat the shit out of you with my work shoes. Test me.

If you or anyone you know does these things, share this post with them, slap them on the head like the V8 commercials, and say “you could have learned to use the fucking CTA you useless piece of shit.” You’re welcome.

 

Canada, Eh? – Guest Blog

Hey readers/bloggers/strangers,

I wrote a guest blog over here: 

http://thirtycountriesbeforethirty.com/2014/01/08/canada-eh/

so please check it out. The blog is my sister’s who is on a personal journey of her own. Her plan is to travel to thirty countries before she turns thirty, so she’s using this blog to document all her travels, tips, and photos, check it out! 

Shit Girls Do & Why

I’ve been stranded at the airport for an hour now. My flight, which was supposed to leave yesterday, was rescheduled for today at 6:15 pm and it is now 6:45 pm. I’ve just been informed that because of the bad weather conditions in Chicago, my flight has been delayed further, first to 8:10, and now to 8:45 pm. So what better way to pass time besides listen to some Mariah Carey and blog? Clearly if you have failed to realize this, I have no life. I was visiting my sister this weekend and we ended up sitting and discussing why the fuck girls do the shit they do. What is the science behind our thinking? I’m no expert…but I have a vagina, so I’m as close as it gets.

Why we need to go to the bathroom in groups?

What if I fall into the toilet? What if there is no toilet paper? Maybe I just don’t like to pee alone? Maybe I just like my friend’s soothing voice reminding me I am not alone and that a crazy devil is not going to grab me from inside the toilet and murder me? Too graphic? Maybe. But most likely, it’s because we need to dish some juicy gossip. Speaking of which —

Why we need to gossip or bitch about people?

I just need to know someone out there is having a bad time and I can make fun of them so I can feel better about my life. Obviously. I mean if I don’t judge other people’s bad decisions then whose bad decisions will I judge, mine? Ha ha. Good joke. But seriously, us girls get some internal satisfaction from knowing shit about other people and talking shit about people we’re jealous of or simply don’t like, such as our old roommates, our ex-boyfriend’s new girlfriend, or our crush’s “close friend” who happens to be a girl. It’s fun.

What is the truth behind “k,” “I’m fine,” and “do whatever you want.”

“K” – you’ve pissed me off, please get the fuck away from my face before I think of all the ways I can put dents in yours. Everything is not “k” with us.

“I’m fine” – I’m not fine, but I want you to keep asking me because I’m an attention whore and I want you to make me feel better without me asking you to do so. But when you do ask what’s wrong, I’ll just tell you to not worry about it or that I don’t want to tell you, which will leave you confused, which obviously was my plan all along. Mwahaha.

“Do whatever you want” – No. Do what I want you to do. I know you know what I want you to do, then why the fuck are you asking me if it’s okay? My pissed off look, me rolling my eyes, my bitchy tone didn’t inform you what I really meant? Too bad.

Why we go on diets that rarely last more than two days?

We start diets because we genuinely want to look better, tone up, lose weight whatever. So why don’t they last? Because burgers, fries, coke taste SO good. Even the lettuce in a McDonald’s burger tastes better than the lettuce in my salad. It just does, don’t ask.

Why we feel the need to compare ourselves to other girls?

Boys, boys, boys, this is a silly little trap. If I ask you if someone’s tits are better than mine, you don’t answer that question honestly unless you want be left high and dry. If I ask you if you think my best friend is more attractive than me, don’t be stupid, say no. I need to compare myself to other girls because I need you to validate me. I’ll bitch and whine and call you a liar, but you need to keep saying it till my ego boosts a little. It’s a purely selfish thing and I am well aware of this.

Why we are fake friendly to people we don’t like?

I’d rather bitch about someone behind their back than be a straight up asshole to them to their face. Unfortunately, my sensitive side doesn’t allow me to make someone cry without feeling at least a little guilty. Damn conscience.

Why do we pretend to be drunk after one beer?

Sometimes, people get caught up in the moment and get drunk off the atmosphere. But some bitches literally get sloppy “drunk” with a beer. How in the fuck? Bitch, I know you’re not that much of a lightweight that a can of piss water aka bud light can get you sloppy drunk. So please, for fuck’s sake, stop screaming, stop hanging all over guys like a slut, stop dancing on top of tables, you crazy ass attention seeking whore.

Why we need to be Facebook official?

If I don’t tell Facebook I’m in a relationship, it means I’m not in a relationship. I have to tell everyone that I’m dating you so they don’t think I’m some pathetic loser that’s still single. Yes, my best friends know, but those people I never liked from high school need to know, the guy I used to have a crush on needs to know, the guy that doesn’t even know I used to religiously Facebook stalk him needs to know. If you don’t want to be Facebook official, we can just end this relationship now, k thx.

Why we need to be on Facebook and Instagram constantly?

It’s a great place for me to keep in touch with all the people I know from high school or family. Bullshit. I want to post pictures and I want to get likes on them because I need people to validate that I’m pretty or funny or witty or “cool.” If no one knows about every single thing I did that day, then they won’t know how cool I am. FYI, I totes exude cool.

Why we put our drama on Facebook?

It’s our passive aggressive way of confronting or outing someone publicly. No, I won’t tag you in my status or give your name away, but when you look at my status, your dumb ass will know it’s about you. That’s all the satisfaction I need. Is that a little crazy? Yeah, probably, but I never did claim to be sane.

Why we need to overanalyze every situation?

Us as girls need to think about every single little gesture, every word and find the “true” meaning behind it, like we’re English teachers trying to dissect a piece of writing. If he said he likes you, it probably fucking means he like you, fuckface. There is no other meaning behind it, so quit looking. No, that smiley face doesn’t mean he likes you and the lack of smiley face doesn’t mean he’s mad. WHEN DID WE START DEPENDING ON A FUCKING SMILEY TO READ EMOTIONS AND FEELINGS? WHY?

Hopefully this helps answer why girls are kind of crazy or what we’re thinking. There’s a ton more shit girls do that doesn’t make sense to most guys (and even girls) and if you guys can think of any, comment below and maybe I’ll do a part two of this and answer your questions!

Dealing With Shit

As we grow older, we experience a lot of things: good memories, tough lessons, strong friendships, and sometimes sadness (even if it’s over the silliest things). Everyone gets upset or sad at some point in their life. Sometimes people don’t even know why they’re sad, but they just are. Instead of sitting around, moping, feeling bad for yourself, you little shit, get out there and do something about it. I’m being a total hypocritical bitch because when I’m down, I like to sit in bed and binge watch the shit out of Netflix while looking at sad quotes on Pinterest and reading silly romantic novels. It’s almost like a self-induced sadness, which I didn’t seem to realize until just about now. Of course, sometimes that’s exactly what you need. Whether you’re dealing with FOMO (fear of missing out) or just not happy with the way things are turning out or you just feel like crying (because sometimes girls just like to cry okay…it comes with the territory of having a vagina), there are some constructive ways of dealing with it instead of just fucking around not doing shit. So I’m going to help you bitches out, here goes:

Work Out

When I’m angry, instead of lashing out or being upset, I go work out. Get pissed all over again about everything that’s bothered you and just work your ass off at the gym. It feels so good when you’re done and surprisingly you feel more energized, alert, and happy. I’m gonna get all psychological and shit on you guys now, so getchyo google out to cross-check my facts. I’m going to make it really easy for you shitheads, apparently, working out releases dopamine. What’s dopamine? It’s the shit that makes you happy or helps you feel pleasure (not like that sicko…but maybe *winkwink*).

Change Your Environment

Many times your mood and mindset depends on the environment you’re in. It doesn’t have to be a negative environment, it could be just a boring one. Go away for a week, stay with a friend, visit a family member across the country, do whatever it is that you need to change up your schedule, to feel excited again, to be happy. Being in a new place and experiencing new things can really change how you feel, give it a try.

Surround Yourself With Good Friends

My friends are my crutches. Figuratively and literally (because one time last year, I fucked up my ankle and they helped me walk). I’m not someone who always reaches out and asks for help because it just helps to be around people you know care about you, that you know will be there for you no matter what, and the people who make you laugh so hard you snort or cry…or both. Not that I do either, of course.

Make A List & Get Shit Done

Nothing beats a productive day, besides one spent watching 3 seasons of a show on Netflix. But on the real, nothing gives me a lady boner than accomplishing my to-do list. It gets me motivated to do other things and work on my other goals. At the end of the day, looking at that list makes me happy knowing that I didn’t waste away my day.

Take A Long Walk 

There’s this absolutely gorgeous wooded trail by my house that I frequent a lot. I was just there last week, blasting music, and just soaking everything in. It was a really quiet, peaceful place to reflect on all the things I’ve learned this past year, think about the person I want to continue to be, and just other cheesy shit like that. Do these things because they help you figure out what’s bothering you and how to fix it.

Go To The Park

My favorite thing to do when I’m stressed or just dealing with a shit is go to the park. There’s just something relieving about sitting on a swing and pretending like you’re five years old when you had no responsibilities, it was still acceptable to shit your pants, say inappropriate things, and do whatever the fuck you wanted basically. I’d give anything to be five years old again, I mean really, I had people cleaning my shit for me? Doesn’t get better than that. Do five year olds still wear diapers? Moving on.

It’s silly that so many of us think that we’re going through shit alone. Everyone gets sad. You self-centered piece of shit, do you really think out of seven billion (wow, I almost typed million, silly me) people, not even one has gone through something you have? Spoiler alert, they have. Be patient with yourself or your friends, significant other, if they’ve been mopey and sucky lately. Figure your shit out and get back to doing whatever it is that makes you happy.

P.S. Just because those things work for me doesn’t mean they’ll work for you. Find out what calms you down or makes you feel sane.

What is love? Baby don’t hurt me, no more.

Heartbreak. It happens to the best of us. Yes, even those of us who pretend not to have a heart/care/are assholes in general. Remind you of someone? If you’re clueless, I’m talking about me, myself, and I. Because I’m self-absorbed, obviously.

Everything starts out so good. That first hello. The first thing someone says that intrigues you. The first time you feel like “Hey, you’re rad, I want to get to know you.” The first time he messages you first. The first time you guys talk for an hour. The first time you guys talk for a whole day. Eventually he becomes a part of you. The first time he says something mildly flirtatious. The first time you confidently flirt back. It’s heaven. That feeling of euphoria when you tell them “Hey, you, with the face, I kinda sorta like you,” and you’re lucky enough that he says it right back. Everything feels right. You wake up to him. You sleep with him on your mind. You dream about him. He’s this gigantic ball of fire and you’re just a helpless rock orbiting around him. He consumes your every thought. Even his lame, half-assed “sup” makes you smile. He makes your day just a little bit brighter and you enjoy his shitty, disgusting jokes. Eventually, you start making those jokes too. They don’t sound as disgusting anymore. You find ways to make him laugh because if it’s the one thing that you do that day then everything will be alright. He calls you and you carefully listen to every word, loving the way your name rolls off his lips. Like you’re important. Someone special. He smiles at you and you take a deep breath. Shocked and amazed that this one person can have such a huge impact on you. Hours turn into days which turn into weeks. Before long, you spend every waking moment together. Scared of missing out on even a moment.

And right when you get comfortable, all the insecurities come seeping in. Am I pretty enough? Do I drink/party too much? Are our conversations interesting enough? What if he finds someone better? Does he still miss his ex? Will he ever love me? Am I lovable? Do I deserve him? Is he bored of me yet? Every single bad thought you’ve ever had comes hurtling towards you and explodes right in your face one day. Bam. That first fight. The first big argument you’ve had. Both your insecurities being revealed. Every vulnerability out there. You feel naked. Ashamed. Hurt. Your world spins too fast. But then it’s okay again. You both figure it out. The problem is over. Or is it? You go back to your normal routine. Laughing until your stomach is sore and smiling until your cheeks hurt. Calling him babe. Having him call you ‘my girl,’ and feeling so damn important. Everything feels right again. 

Then suddenly, one day, a month into this flirtationship, you realize “Holy fuck, I’m in love with you.” Not the “I love chocolate” kind of love, but the kind of love that makes you dizzy, makes it hard to breathe. IN love. This person who meant nothing to you, someone you didn’t even know a month ago, that didn’t exist before is now a huge part of your life. You contemplate telling him. You wait for the right time, telling yourself tomorrow is the day you’ll do it. You chicken out like the pussy you are. Instead you ask him what he would say if you did fall in love. Gauging his reaction before revealing the secret you’ve buried inside for a week now. Finally, you gather up some courage. You say those three words. Disappear for a few hours because you’re afraid what he might say. Everything appears the same, but truly everything has changed. Two scenarios come to mind. He could say it back. Or he couldn’t. He doesn’t say them back. He’s not ready. You understand, unfortunately, but it doesn’t matter because it comes rushing back to you that you have this amazing ability to fall in love with someone, to want to constantly be with someone, to want to innocently hold their hand, or just smile because they are too freaking adorable. You get to love this person and you couldn’t be happier. 

How long can things truly remain perfect? The honeymoon phase passes, as it always does. He seems less interested in you. Fights start becoming a daily routine. You feel helpless. Scared. You cry. Then you cry some more. Hoping that the tears will fix everything that feels wrong. But they won’t. Every fight pushes you both away from each other. Every ‘you asshole’ or ‘you absolute cunt’ pisses you both off even more. Makes you feel like you both hate each other. It’s all the insecurities catching up again. They’re like mosquitos, just sucking every good thing out of whatever you two have. You fight. Cry. You talk less. You laugh less. Every fight controls your emotional and mental stability. Every insecurity is magnified by the fact that you’re not talking as much as you used to, don’t have as much as you used to, don’t feel like he likes you as much as he used to. Nausea sets in. What if he walks away? Has he thought about it? Do I still make him happy like he said I used to? Does he still think I’m ‘beautiful?’ Am I still what he wants? Is he still falling for me? Every questions eats at you. But you don’t want to appear weak, so you never ask, and he never tells. You both sit in silence when he calls, not sure what to say, fearing that the wrong thing could start an argument, so instead you choose to talk about generic things like “how was your day?” instead of substituting different words for songs like ‘she will be loved,’ for the pure amusement of it. Your talks are different, as if you’re tiptoeing around each other. What went wrong? Is something wrong? Can we fix it? Is there even a solution to this? Why does my heart hurt? You’re uncertain about everything. You feel helpless and hopeless. You carry on with your day.

You hope one day things will magically work out because you so badly want them to. You hope one day he’ll be able to tell you he loves you. Even if he never does, you’re willing to live with that because you’re in love. You hope one day he’ll be ready to commit. You hope one day he trusts you. You hope for a lot of things and all the thoughts racing around in your head don’t let you sleep, eat, do much of anything. You spend a day in bed. And you spend another day in bed. Hoping, wishing, praying to just hear from him, for things to go back to normal, to fall in love with him all over again. And maybe it’ll happen. And maybe it won’t. You can’t guess the outcome. But you can love him. That’s what you do. You love him with every fiber of your being, even if he doesn’t love you back. 

But like, I don’t know why this post is so serious or emotional. It’s not my style, obvy, but I figured I would try something new. Also, love is different for everyone, everyone experiences it differently, this is just my perspective, so don’t look into it too much. Now that the depressfest is over, only a week and a half until finals are over and I get to go home for winter break. Warning, I will be blogging a lot during break because I won’t have a life for a month, so yeah, look out for more random, late-night ramblings. 

Premature Thanksgiving Post

Thanksgiving is quickly approaching. It’s an excuse for Americans and even immigrants to get their whole family together, even all the ones they clearly dislike and eat more food than a kid in Africa will ever see in his/her life (too far?). Of course it’s also a time to be thankful for life, food, people, etc, etc. 

Here are the things I’m most grateful for this thanksgiving:

The Existence Of Hoodies

I’m actually a total bum undercover as a college student. Nice, cute sweater is dirty? Fuck it, I’m wearing that hoodie I wore yesterday. So what that I’ve worn it for the last three days and people are going to assume I never shower/am filthy? Comfy hoodies over looking good ANY DAY. At least no one will judge me when I’m home for thanksgiving. 

Black Friday Shopping

You know what I’m really thankful for? The materialistic culture America is surrounded by. I just absolutely love hearing about people getting mauled, getting injured, or even dying during Black Friday Shopping. Funny how we go shopping for shit when we’re supposed to be thankful and grateful for everything we already have. I guess you’re grateful you can charge daddy’s credit card to get that fugly dress you don’t need. 

Being Forced To Be Around People

I don’t like people and the littlest things annoy the shit out of me. What better way to celebrate my hatred of pricks than to surround myself with them while I enjoy food? Seriously, I know we’re related dude, but I hate your guts. Please get your pretentious, bratty face the fuck away from me before I stick you in the oven like this turkey.

Delicious Food

This turkey is delicious…if you were feeding it to someone who doesn’t like any flavor in their food and loves it when it’s so damn dry that they need water to wash down each bite. You could have just bought a pre-made one and served it like you actually made it. At least that would have been edible. Also, why the hell did you (insert random relative/friend that cooked something) decide to make mashed potatoes when you clearly have absolutely no idea how to cook?  Oh, the person that makes the green bean casserole. Did you know that I’m not supposed to hear an audible crunch when I bite into the green beans? If that happens, you didn’t cook it. Seriously, thanks for ruining food for me forever. My tastebuds are raising a middle finger to you right now, you just can’t see it. Please, for fuck’s sake, don’t try to make the pumpkin pie at home. Yours will never ever, ever ever ever (pay attention: NEVER) be as good as a store bought one or one from a bakery. You just ruined fucking pumpkin pie, the one thing that’s always good. Do you know how DIFFICULT it is to fucking pumpkin pie, you absolute cunt. 

Being Home For 5 Days

Colleges everywhere, I don’t want to be home for five days, please don’t exile me there. Sure., I want to be home for thanksgiving dinner and maybe the day after to cure my food hangover and get some leftovers to bring back to my apartment. But please don’t confine me into a house with my whole family for five days. I will come back dazed and definitely insane. Don’t do this. I’d much prefer you put me in a straight jacket in a pink room and make me watch shitty Disney movies (sorry not sorry Disney lovers). 

But seriously, as much of an ungrateful, cynical, asshole little shit I sound like, I actually do enjoy thanksgiving because it’s not something we ever did until we moved to America. So, here’s the real list of things I’m grateful for this thanksgiving:

My Parents

Yeah, we fight a lot. Sometimes we don’t talk for a few days, but seriously, you guys have supported me through everything in my life, the bad times and the good ones. You guys just never give up, do you? Thank you. (Even though you guys will never read this, ever). 

My Siblings

To my brother, thanks for being such an intelligent, cute, perfect little brother. I love you and I hope I can be a good role model for you one day. To my sister, we fight sometimes, but not as much as we used to. I’m so glad we’re so open with each other and have had some crazy times over the years and will definitely continue having some more. Love you both.

My Friends

I know I’m not the easiest person to be around at all times so I’m so thankful you guys stick around through all the bullshit and really love me through all the craziness/psychomess that is me. You guys know who you are and I know I can always rely on you. If I was white, this is where I would ask you all to be my bridesmaids, but I’m not white, so that’s not going to happen. Okay, bye.

My Roommates

You live with me. ‘Nuf said. How you do it is beyond me. I love you both. I don’t know if you guys even read this, but seriously we have the funniest fucking conversations ever. 

My Crush

You’re sexy and adorable all at the same time. I don’t even know if you’re going to read this, probably not, but seriously, in the words of Baby Bash, the rapper, you got me “lifted, shifted, higher than the ceiling.” Poop. 

Fall In Chicago

The fact that I get to live in Chicago and fall in love with this beautiful city every single day is definitely something to be grateful for, and I most definitely am. 

That’s more than enough emotions for one day (Fuck you ovaries for the pms, stupid bitch). Enjoy thanksgiving! Or don’t. I don’t give a fuck. 

Lies Girls Tell

Everyone tells little lies. Girls have mastered this skill. We lie. A lot. About the smallest of things sometimes. And if your bitchass is like “I never lie,” yeah ya bitch, you do, you just lied that you don’t lie.  In no specific order, here goes:

That -insert article of clothing- looks so hot  on you.

I’m sorry, but that looks so fugly on you that it makes Rosie O’Donnell look like America’s Next Top Model. Sorry, not sorry. Also, while we’re ruining your self-esteem, you should consider putting a paper bag over your head too. Fashion Police, over and out. 

I didn’t look through your messages.

Oh, I definitely looked through your messages. I feel like I should apologize for invading your privacy, but you called me a bitch in your text to Jessica, so I’ll simply just show you how much of a bitch I can really be. Watch out, you’ve been warned. Bitch Squad is on patrol.

You guys are oh so cute together.

You’re making me want to vomit. I literally want to regurgitate everything I’ve eaten today because that’s how disgusting you guys are together. You should break up with him. Also, that way, I don’t have to be single, alone, and bitter by myself. You can keep me company on Saturday nights when I watch disgustingly romantic movies and eat my weight in rocky road icecream.

I don’t, nor have I ever watched porn.

This is a blatant lie. You’re stupid if you actually believe this one. This girl is probably into some freaky fucking shit and just doesn’t want you to find out. She’s a closet nympho…I’m not kidding. 

Of course I’m not upset you cancelled our plans.

Why would I ever be upset that I spent hours shaving my legs, blow drying and styling my hair, finding the perfect outfit, putting on these heels that make me want to die, and wearing these earrings that are weighing down my ear lobes right now? Ha Ha, I’m not upset, I’m just thinking about all the painful ways I can hurt you now. 

I don’t think about my EX/Crush

Yeah, I totally don’t ever think about him or what he’s doing or what he’s been up to. On the real though, it’s not that I want to be with him because that ship has sailed and sunk like the Titanic, but a little part of me will always care just a bit. I know that sounds silly or pathetic, but it’s true. I don’t want to be with him or have any feelings of love and shit for him, but I do think about him every once in a while, which is completely okay, but you don’t need to know that because you’ll unnecessarily freak out. 

I’m not jealous of her. 

I am most definitely not jealous of your blonde, leggy, big-titted, gorgeous eyed, phat-ass best friend. Why would I be jealous of her utter perfection? She’s like the McChicken you see on TV and I’m the one you get in real life. Be right back, I think I lost my dignity after that hit on my self-esteem. 

I miss you betch, lets hang out soon!

I don’t miss you. The only reason I said that was to be nice or I was drunk. It was probably the latter. Please don’t text me tomorrow asking me to make plans because that’s definitely a text I will be ignoring. I’m not even sorry. 

I’m Fine. 

No, No, I am NOT fine. You asking me if I’m fine again and again only manages to piss me off more. So get the fuck away from me and we can talk later when I’m not coming up with a million ways to kill you. 

I never got your text.

I got your text, I didn’t want to respond. DealWithIt.gif

I’m sure men have told some of these lies too, but I have a vagina, so I can only speak for those with vaginas. Well, to be honest, I can’t speak for anyone but myself. But it’s my blog, so whatever. I’m fine. 

 

20 Lessons In 20 Years

For all you fuckers that don’t know me personally, it was my birthday a few weeks ago. I turned 20. Who thought I would survive this long? Not me. It’s time to finally grow up and be mature. Who am I kidding? I’m still going to be the smug little shit that I am right now for another 20 years. By the time I’m 40, my life will be over anyway. Since I’m feeling generous, I’m going to shit some knowledge on you guys about the 20 things I’ve learned in the last 20 years. If you’re expecting this to be helpful advice, then you’re just kidding yourself. Read on. 

1. Don’t lie to your mom. The psychic (read: psycho) knows EVERYTHING. She has hidden cameras or some shit everywhere. She knows all about that time you snuck a boy into the house or used her favorite perfume or took some scotch from the liquor cabinet. SHE IS ALL KNOWING.  
2. Learn to accept that your mom or your sister are always ANNOYINGLY right about everything. Just admit it and it’ll make your life easier. Just never say it out loud or give them the satisfaction. Sister, if you’re reading this, this is a lie. 
3. Do what’s best for you, be selfish once in a while. It’s okay for you to indulge yourself and only think about yourself sometimes. Do something for the sole purpose of doing something that makes you happy. 
4. Stop worrying about every little damn thing. It’s okay, the world won’t end if you don’t do that one homework assignment to perfection. It’s going to be okay, the world will go on, ya cunt.
5. Don’t be lazy. I really need to take my own advice. I’m the laziest of all fucks. But seriously, there is so much to see in this world, so much to do, so many people to meet, so many stories to be told, don’t waste your time. All aboard the cliché train, CHOO CHOO motherfucker: Life is too short.
6. It’s okay to be alone and spend time by yourself. You’re not crazy or weird or different. If eating ice-cream by myself in my room on a Saturday night is wrong, I don’t want to be right.
7. Don’t change yourself for someone else. If you don’t like something about yourself, change it because you want to be better; not for a boy, or a ‘friend.’ Be who you are, be someone you’re proud of, and most importantly fucking love yourself for all your imperfections and flaws.
8. That cute guy can wait. You have so much more going for you. Don’t put your life on hold for him if he’s not willing to do the same and definitely don’t miss out on something because of a guy. Ever.
9. Material things don’t matter…says the girl as she types on her Mac, while occasionally picking up her iPhone to check for texts. I know I sound like a hypocrite, but I’m serious. Material things and money don’t matter. Those are not the things that make you who you are. Your experiences make you who you are, so go, experience shit and come back a completely different/changed person. 
10. You know those shitholes that care too much about what everyone thinks about them? Yeah, I’m one of them. But over the years, I have come to realize that not everyone will like you and that you need to get the fuck over it. You didn’t do anything wrong and you don’t understand why this shitstain has a personal vendetta against you. It took a long time for me to realize that it shouldn’t matter that this one person out of 7 billion people doesn’t like me. I can choose to not be around this sad fucker and I can choose not to care. Why  worry about small, insignificant things when you could worry about like…global warming or something equally relevant? I’m trying to sound smart and in touch with important world issues here, help me out!
11. You fight with them. You hate them most of the time. Yes, I am talking about siblings. They are one of the worst parts of growing up because your parents’ attention is divided between two or more kids. Um no, can I have all the attention all of the time? No? K. I have a little brother, but there’s not much to say about him. He’s lovable, adorable, and since he’s the baby of the family, you gotta love him! On the other hand, my sister and I never got along growing up. She was a shitty older sister and I was a shithead of a little sister. We pissed each other off a lot, even got into physical fights. I remember this specific time when she tried to choke me out with a scarf….It’s okay though, I’ve pushed her into the tub plenty of times to get revenge. Anyways, the point wasn’t to bash on my lovely sister who is probably the only one who reads my blog consistently and finds me actually funny. The point is that I love my sister and I never thought I would ever say that. She probably half-smiled at that, scoffed, and thought how “mushy wushy” I am. It’s true though. I hate her sometimes, but really, I love the bitch. I know she loves me too, even though she’ll never admit it. We’re not the generic sisters who get along at all times, but that’s quite okay with me. 
12. Don’t compare yourself to everyone. Yeah, she has gorgeous eyes, but people stop and stare at your ugly ones just as much as they stare at her pretty ones. Who needs pretty eyes anyway? Thanks mom and dad for the genes. 
13. Learn to be forgiving. You will get in fights, piss people off, and even stop talking to them for long periods of time. It’s not always easy to look past the petty thing you argued over, but sometimes that relationship is more important than your pride. Get over your pride and forgive.
14. Yes, forgive, but that doesn’t mean to forget. Forget the hurt you felt, but don’t forget what it taught you. 
15. Friendships come and go, but true, best friends stick around for the worst of you and the best of you. I know it seems very redundant, but it’s true. It’s the one thing I’ve really learned in these past twenty years that still holds true: you can be friendly with anyone, but you can’t be friends with everyone. People who care about you will show it to you and those are the friends you should keep in your life. I’m not saying go insane and cut ties with everyone else because it’s nice to have other people in your life too. But your friends are the family you choose (Hello, cliché, long time no see!). Be as good of a friend as you would expect them to be for you. Don’t let it be a one-sided relationship. There should be a mutual give and take. Appreciate your friends and tell them you do, every single day of your life. They are the people who will keep you sane through a  lot of the messes you create or experience in life. Keep them close and cherish the living fuck out of them. My dad’s been best friends with his best friend for 43 years now. My dad’s 48. That’s a fucking friendship. Apply for that sort of friendship with me, now.
16. It’s okay to suck up to teachers/professors/other authority figures in your life. It will pay off in the long run. Believe me.
17. Trust your instincts. If your instincts are screaming someone is a no-good shitfucker, then don’t be around them. Leave them behind. There should be no shame in cutting people out of your life and moving on. 
18. Don’t let anyone tell you what you’re worth or that you’re not good enough. Figure it out for yourself. Change yourself if you don’t like who you are, but don’t let anyone make you feel shitty about yourself. Fuck those people, you don’t need them. 
19. Thinking positive thoughts can actually make you positive. …Even writing the word ‘positive’ just made me gag. 
20. Spend time with your family. At the end of the day, they’re the people you can always count on. Laugh at your dad’s awful jokes, let your mom nag at you because you know how much she enjoys it, argue with your siblings about who won the game of UNO and walk out angrily. Enjoy the time you have with them. Cherish it. 

I hope this helped. If it didn’t, I’m sorry, it sucks that I can’t find any fucks to give today. Try again tomorrow. See ya fuckers. 

Lies I Tell Myself While Studying:

This semester’s practically over and I know I haven’t posted in a while. I’ve got shit to do, so deal with it. I’ve been focusing a lot of my time and energy into sleeping, watching episodes upon episodes of Gossip girl (again), and occasionally studying. Last week I was dealing with exams and this week it’s the flu and strep. Since I’m putting in minimal effort this week into studying, what better time to post about different lies I tell myself when/if I do study. Here goes:

That chapter’s easy

No. No it’s not. That chapter is anything but easy. I might think I understand it, but I most definitely do not. In fact when it comes to the exam, most of the questions I miss will be from this chapter.

That won’t be on the exam

Yes it will be on the exam. You’ll also feel like a dumbass when it is on the exam and you won’t be able to answer it because you didn’t bother going over it. Good job! F FOR YOU!

I have time to study

Good joke. You don’t have time to study. Lets be honest, you’ll wait until the night before or if you’re a total daredevil (read: fuck up) you’ll study frantically right before the exam. The clock is ticking and the time is “you’re fucked”-o-clock.

I can go out tonight

No, you alcoholic, you can’t go out tonight. Your professor gives no fucks how good you are at beer pong or how many shots you took last night. The exam will not ask you about whether red wine or white wine goes well with fish (For you uncultured shits, it’s white) or what you need to use to make a perfect White Russian. TL;DR: No, you cannot go out tonight.

I don’t need to study

You also don’t have to attend classes. You also don’t have to go to college. You also don’t have to waste thousands of dollars on your education. You might be thinking “Oh, I got this.” On the contrary, my dear shitstain, you don’t got this.  

This is all I can think of for right now because I need to watch Blair and Chuck ruin each other’s lives, once again. Studying is currently not a priority. Lil’ Bitches, didn’t you hear? Straight D’s are in this year. XoXo

That Single Life

It’s pouring outside, I have my Ed Sheeran pandora station on, and I’m cuddled up in bed with my sexy, seriously hot bo.. -dy pillow. Yes, this is a post bitching about my singleness. Annoyed? Leave.

I’m guessing all my single ladies (put a ring on it! Whaddup Beyonce reference) are still here with me. This post is going to be me bitching (what’s new there?) about shit people say to me about my singleness. These are in no specific order, so here goes:

1) “Just be patient”

I have been on this earth for almost 20 years. I have not found anyone yet. I have been very patient for the most part. I have come to the conclusion that I am going to die alone, so stop getting my hopes, you lying fuck. You have been in more relationships than Taylor Swift. You don’t get to talk about patience.  

2)  “But you’re so independent”

Yeah. I am independent. Thanks captain fuckface, I knew that. But that doesn’t mean I don’t want someone to drink with, who will bring me advil and orange juice when I’m hungover, and all the other cute stuff that happens in relationships. Independent doesn’t mean I don’t want that significant other to make bad decisions with me.

3) “You’re so funny and intelligent and pretty, you will definitely find someone”

Really? I am? Those things will help me? …Because they haven’t yet. If I am all those things, why am I alone and single and sad and am most likely going to live with 40 cats? You don’t have an answer for that, do you, punk bitch? Didn’t think so.

4) “You have us, why do you want a boyfriend?”

I am laughing so hard even thinking about that, you hypocritical fuck. If that’s true, then break up with your boyfriend right now. You don’t need him when you have me as a friend. Seriously, call him up, and dump him, do it. I’m waiting.

*Cue elevator music*

Done? No? Okay, shut the fuck up about this shit and sit the fuck down, dumb bitch.

5) “I can set you up with this one guy”

No thank you. That sounds like the most awful idea ever. I’d rather jump in a volcano and burn to a crisp than be with someone on a pity date. Thank you, no thank you.

But in all honesty, before you jump into a relationship, ask yourself why you want one. Is it because you don’t like being single? Is it because you think having a significant other would boost your self-esteem? Why do you want or feel you need someone? If you don’t have an above average response for these questions, maybe you should wait until you have a better understanding of who you are and what you want. Time to go nap with my sexy, hot body pillow.

 

P.S.  Boys holla at me. My number is 847…Just kidding.