It’s pouring outside, I have my Ed Sheeran pandora station on, and I’m cuddled up in bed with my sexy, seriously hot bo.. -dy pillow. Yes, this is a post bitching about my singleness. Annoyed? Leave.
I’m guessing all my single ladies (put a ring on it! Whaddup Beyonce reference) are still here with me. This post is going to be me bitching (what’s new there?) about shit people say to me about my singleness. These are in no specific order, so here goes:
1) “Just be patient”
I have been on this earth for almost 20 years. I have not found anyone yet. I have been very patient for the most part. I have come to the conclusion that I am going to die alone, so stop getting my hopes, you lying fuck. You have been in more relationships than Taylor Swift. You don’t get to talk about patience.
2) “But you’re so independent”
Yeah. I am independent. Thanks captain fuckface, I knew that. But that doesn’t mean I don’t want someone to drink with, who will bring me advil and orange juice when I’m hungover, and all the other cute stuff that happens in relationships. Independent doesn’t mean I don’t want that significant other to make bad decisions with me.
3) “You’re so funny and intelligent and pretty, you will definitely find someone”
Really? I am? Those things will help me? …Because they haven’t yet. If I am all those things, why am I alone and single and sad and am most likely going to live with 40 cats? You don’t have an answer for that, do you, punk bitch? Didn’t think so.
4) “You have us, why do you want a boyfriend?”
I am laughing so hard even thinking about that, you hypocritical fuck. If that’s true, then break up with your boyfriend right now. You don’t need him when you have me as a friend. Seriously, call him up, and dump him, do it. I’m waiting.
*Cue elevator music*
Done? No? Okay, shut the fuck up about this shit and sit the fuck down, dumb bitch.
5) “I can set you up with this one guy”
No thank you. That sounds like the most awful idea ever. I’d rather jump in a volcano and burn to a crisp than be with someone on a pity date. Thank you, no thank you.
But in all honesty, before you jump into a relationship, ask yourself why you want one. Is it because you don’t like being single? Is it because you think having a significant other would boost your self-esteem? Why do you want or feel you need someone? If you don’t have an above average response for these questions, maybe you should wait until you have a better understanding of who you are and what you want. Time to go nap with my sexy, hot body pillow.
P.S. Boys holla at me. My number is 847…Just kidding.
Falling Through Blunderland 